Not feeling like a piece of shit is one of my daily motivators.
I remember when I used to weigh around 200kg, my wife had to work harder than me around the house. I was not pulling my load at all. We have a small child, the place was a mess and instead of doing things or giving her a break by occupying the little energizer bunny, I would usually sit on the couch, eat and feel sorry for myself because I was usually in pain and out of energy and breath.
That memory is extremely present in my mind every day. It’s vivid. It’s there every time I close my eyes if haven’t been at least somewhat productive that day.
And it’s not really guilt. I know how guilt feels, I’ve carried it with me for years and I have since learned to accept and forgive myself.
It’s somewhere between disgust, fear and the very real understanding of how quickly one can deteriorate to that state again.
The fear is docile until it isn’t, every time I see any signs of me slipping into this previous mental state it’s all systems go.
So that’s an interesting loop I’ve noticed — my motivation, drive – whatever you wanna call it goes through waves, sometimes it goes away completely. But the second that results in me dropping the ball in any way, theres’ like this alarm that starts to go and doesn’t shut down until I do something worthwhile.
It goes like this: Stop being a piece of shit. Life is too short. Get up and do something. Anything that makes you a better person. Anything that makes someone else’s day better. Anything good. Get up.
I am very grateful for this alarm. I have no idea how it got welded into my scull, which of the self dev/psychology books it was, I don’t know the recipe for this. But I know for sure that I would have reverted to my shitty form ages ago without it.
