Left journaling until real late today. I was kind of blown away by how today is only the fifth day of the challenge I’m running.
It feels like forever since I started.
Some things are becoming easy or routine, like working out and taking photos.
Journaling is getting more difficult. I have to dig deeper to find what I want to share and talk about.
There aren’t many topics currently on my mind or that I want to openly discuss.
One thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is legacy and what I will leave behind.
I know that at 36 it might feel a little early to think about this, but I have already had my fair share of brushes with death. I recognise that tomorrow is promised to no one.
I feel pride and joy knowing that even if I expire tomorrow, while it will be a massive hit to everyone around me, no matter what, my son will know that I loved him.
This is especially important to me because I grew up without a father. There is a list of things I prioritise, some of which might matter less to people with different childhoods.
Last week has been deeply introspective. I have revisited much of my childhood trauma and many of my behavior patterns have become apparent and understandable.
What I find most fascinating is how straightforward it is starting to seem.
Lives seen through the lens of a psychiatrist or neurologist are so banal.
Each of us thinks we are unique special snowflakes. While the arrangement can truly feel unique (to some degree, since it’s near impossible to scan all the snowflakes everywhere), underneath it is just water frozen in a pattern.
Just like each of us is an arrangement of hardware and software, shaped by nature and nurture.
Many behavioral patterns and even parts of physical appearance are simply echoes of childhood issues.
So in many ways we are unique, but zoom out just a little and we are all one.
Reflecting on this helps me find peace with the past and purpose for the future.
No matter what happens, I want to live intentionally, leave a positive mark, and raise my son with love and understanding. Journaling these thoughts is part of that journey.
