Day 2 of 50.
I started the day with my usual routine: bathroom stuff, glass of water, duolingo lesson(learning Swedish), mimo lesson (like duolingo, but for web dev stuff), 5 minute meditation/breathing exercise and off to the gym we go.
On a good day, I can be out of the door within 20 minutes of waking up.
My gym bag is packed from the evening before, there are usually no things for me to think about, I do my best to avoid social media and news outlets until after I get to work.
I take pride in this routine. I sometimes catch myself doing it without any mental effort, on autopilot. As if — what else would I do?
Especially considering that a few years ago, I couldn’t dream of it. I tried and failed and abandoned it so many times… it’s maddening to think back and to see this weakness and lack of self love, or more precisely deeply buried self hatred.
I’d still wake up early, but rush to the office to get some gaming in before work starts. StarCraft 2 used to be a particular favourite of mine. Perhaps stopping by a gas station to get some gas station food for breakfast. I was so desperate to drown myself in something, to satisfy my most basic needs with as little effort as possible and then completely consume and occupy my mind, just so I wouldn’t have to bare witness to my failures.
Looking in the mirror was something that gave me anxiety.
My clothes were abysmal — I still have room for improvement, but we’re working in the right direction.
I wouldn’t shave my neck and only groom myself like once every two months and somehow considered that ok.
I always thought — a pig in a suit is still a pig, so why bother. That’s exactly how I saw myself.
With a mindset like that, no wonder I was spiralling into the abyss.